This guest article is written by Chelsey Christensen.
Part II: Partial Molar Pregnancy
As it turns out I am not 1-in-4. Instead I’m 1-in-1,000.
My journey towards wholeness and healing couldn’t begin after my D&C. Instead, an agonizing wait for test results and information ensued.
After 3.5 weeks (and 78 phone calls) my partial molar pregnancy was confirmed. A partial molar pregnancy happens when an egg is fertilized by more than one sperm making the fetus and placenta abnormal. I keep telling myself there is some comfort in knowing the “why” behind our little girl’s loss. But this diagnosis hasn’t dulled my pain. It has sharpened it.
Now, the wait for 0 mlU/mL Beta hCG begins. There is something particularly heartbreaking about praying fervently for something to go DOWN after praying so passionately for it to go UP. Taking HPTs and wishing, hoping, praying that only ONE line pops up. Yearning for my cycle to return to normal while fearing the worst.
The feelings of isolation have increased after going from “1-in-4” to “1-in-1,000.” I have turned to molar pregnancy websites and Facebook groups trying to surround myself with people who “get it.” But I’m desperate for in-person interaction with someone who knows what I am going through.
If you are reading this and you are in the midst of loss and grief, please know that you are NOT alone.
I am 1-in-1,000.
I had a partial molar pregnancy.
I will be ok … But right now, I am most assuredly am not.
Part III: Grief in the Midst of Pandemic
Where is there space for my grief when the world is grieving?
The compounded grief of my pregnancy loss and the COVID-19 pandemic has made my feelings around the Lenten Season and Easter even more complex this year.
My reflection on Good Friday:
It is finished.
There is something hard and heavy and holy about Good Friday falling three months after we learned our baby girl no longer had a heartbeat.
I have lamented that this has been the “Lentiest Lent” and the realization that this three month anniversary fell on Good Friday re-affirms that lament.
I have now spent the same amount of time grieving her loss as I had spent celebrating her impending arrival.
3 months. Such a short amount of time and yet filled with a lifetime of hopes and dreams that will never come to fruition.
I always look forward to Easter Sunday—one of my favorite days in the liturgical season.
But in this season of grief and pandemic, I am still feeling most at home in the tomb.
If you would like to add your baby to our Forever Loved Wall, please email us at [email protected]. Also, if you are looking for resources to cope with the loss of a pregnancy, please look at our Pregnancy and Infant Loss Resources.
Our the guest author:
Chelsey Christensen is originally from Decorah, IA and has lived in Washington, DC for more than 12 years. She resides in Columbia Heights with her husband John, their 3-year-old son, and fur-baby. She works full time as Director of Development at Imagination Stage. Chelsey is a consecrated Deaconess through the Lutheran Diaconal Association and an active member of Luther Place Memorial Church in downtown DC. She is passionate about the arts, education, and equity. On weekends you can find her exploring neighborhood parks and playgrounds with coffee in-hand.