Teaching Your Child to Forgive Starts With You

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“I sorry Mommy. I fur-give you?” said in the sweetest little voice with the most genuine look of concern my son can muster. He had nothing to be sorry for, but certainly had much to forgive and he did without hesitation. I was in the trenches. Exhausted. Ready to snap at the slightest inconvenience. My son was three, my daughter was two, and we were fostering a baby girl…three, three and under. 
 
“Breathe mama, just breathe,” I uttered under my breath as I swallowed my pride, apologized to him for my lack of patience, and asked him to forgive me. His ability to forgive and show me grace stopped me in my tracks. It dawned on me how hard this can be for adults to do and how, with just a little bit of intentionality, I could profoundly help my son in moments like these.
 
It’s easy to rush through this process or even skip it entirely. But taking the time to teach your children to forgive will set them up for emotional and relational success as adults. So let’s talk about some of the basic, yet vitally important steps to walk your children through when either you or they mess up.
 

First: Acknowledge Our feelings

-“Buddy, when mommy yelled at you, did that make you sad?”
-“Yes, I was really sad.”
-“I know buddy, it’s okay to be sad about that.”
 
Emotional intelligence starts here. Naming our feelings validates them while also removing their power over us. 
 
If we miss this step, we’ll be at risk of raising emotionally stunted little fakers. They will learn to stuff their feelings and say the right phrases in order to move on, but they’ll lack the ability to work through their emotions and experience healing in a relationship. They will learn to pretend to be fine, lying to others as well as themselves, while leaving themselves vulnerable to bitterness. I think acknowledging our emotions gives us permission to feel the weight of them without allowing them to control what we do next.
 

Second: Name the Wrong

-“Mommy yelled at you and that was wrong. I was angry and let my big feelings take control. It’s never okay for mommy to yell at you.”
 
It’s not loving to make excuses for bad behavior and call it “grace,” to sweep things under the rug because circumstances warranted it or because everyone makes mistakes sometimes. If you want your child to be able to admit when they’ve done something wrong, it has to start with you.
 
More importantly, we have to teach our children to be brave enough to face an imperfect world, where even the people who love them most will let them down. Because it takes courage to look at wrong in the face and say, “Hey that’s not okay! That’s not how you’re supposed to act. That’s not the way things are meant to be.” Naming the wrong is a launching pad for them to be a force for good. In my opinion, only cowards see wrong and look the other way.
 

Third: Choose to Forgive

– “I’m so sorry bud, will you forgive me?”
-“I sorry mommy, I fur-give you?”
 
Forgiveness is a choice that is made, not a feeling. Forgiveness can be granted whether there is an apology or not. While forgiveness doesn’t ignore the hurt, neither does it allow the hurt to stand in the way of the relationship. 
 

Fourth: Restore the Relationship

“We call it forgiveness when we’ve moved on,
but I think forgiveness is when you let tenderness move in.” 

-Ruth Choi Simmons “Gracelaced”

*Offer Hugs and Kisses* “Hey mom, can we go play trains now?”
 
You see, it’s more than moving on. Real forgiveness is moving towards the person who hurt you. While there is an aspect of forgetting to forgiveness, it’s a choice motivated by love, not spite or a desire to avoid conflict. We must choose to value that person more than our right to be angry. 
 
So, breathe mamma, just breathe. Don’t miss these opportunities. As insignificant as they may seem, you are teaching your children lessons that will last them a lifetime. Use your failures and theirs as a catalyst for good. What greater gift can we give our children and to a very imperfect world than the ability to give and ask for forgiveness?
 
 
*This blog post was adapted from my original post on thehonesttruth.org