Most moms have had an experience like this: we have to do something that makes us feel anxious, so we do everything we can to avoid it. Maybe it’s scheduling an appointment, meeting with a teacher or caregiver, or even just planning the family’s week. We think of solutions that will allow us to escape it. Or we reassure ourselves over and over again that everything will be all right. There’s no need to worry, we tell ourselves.
But have you noticed that when we use these strategies of avoidance or reassurance we often feel more anxious?
The anxiety may temporarily subside, but it returns with a vengeance. We then have to engage in the avoidance or the reassurance again and again to keep pushing it away. Our kids do this too, and they learn it from us. We may even reassure them when they’re anxious, because their anxiety triggers our own. However, there is a much more effective strategy for learning to manage anxiety and freeing ourselves from the paralysis that it creates: Managing anxiety successfully requires allowing ourselves to experience anxiety.
How ridiculous, you might think. But I already do that, you might say.
While it is true that the avoidance and the reassurance are triggered by anxious feelings, that doesn’t mean we are fully experiencing them. Instead we have to immerse ourselves in the anxiety, face the fear, and accept that anxiety is a part of our lives. If this sounds confusing, don’t worry. It can initially be a difficult concept to grasp, because it goes against everything that our culture tells us to do. Cultural messages suggest that anxiety is something we can just think away: It’s not the end of the world. Just stop worrying. Keep calm.
But managing anxiety by acceptance, mindful awareness, and facing the fear is possible. It may not happen instantly, or without discomfort, but it’s possible, and you can teach your kids to do it too.
Here are 5 tips for starting the journey of accepting and managing anxiety:
1. Normalizing anxiety as a life experience that everyone has
Anxiety is an extremely common experience in today’s world. Work related stress, busyness, family problems, health concerns, social problems, and many other triggers can lead to chronic and severe anxiety. Our brains have always been wired to alert us when there is perceived danger, so no one is immune to anxiety. Acknowledging that it is a part of life, experienced by some more than others, is the important first step to managing anxiety the healthy way.
2. Understanding Our Own Triggers
While there are many common reasons that people are anxious, it’s important for every individual to understand what triggers their anxiety the most. Increasing our awareness of our experience can help us learn to accept the anxiety. Keeping a thought journal, talking about our anxiety with those we trust, or consulting a therapist are great ways to work through our anxiety. Many people initially say they often feel anxious without knowing what triggers it. But exploring their triggers through one of these techniques can help to identify the source of the fear
3. Mindfully Observing Anxious Thoughts
This is the alternative to avoiding anxious thoughts. Instead of telling ourselves to stop thinking about what makes us anxious, do not respond to anxious thoughts. Allow them to exist, notice them, but resist the urge to take action. This process, overtime, will help you learn to tolerate anxious thoughts. They are just thoughts, after all.
4. Breathing deeply
Sometimes anxiety triggers visceral reactions from our body. Our heart races, our palms sweat, we may feel lightheaded. If this happens take some slow, deep breaths. Give your brain a few minutes to reboot.
5. Giving Yourself Compassion
Managing anxiety differently than we are used to doing can be very hard work. Learning to accept the feelings, to tolerate the discomfort, and to fully experience anxiety are more challenging than reassurance or avoidance. If they were easy, everyone would already be doing it. Thus, give yourself time and space to adjust the way you think about an experience anxiety. It’s a journey, and you can only take it one step at a time.
Once you are on the journey to accepting and managing your anxiety, invite your children to join you. Teach them the new philosophy, and work on the strategies together. Be sure to check out Dr. Carla Messenger Shuman’s website for some practical resources and blog posts to help you and your child get started on the road to freedom from anxiety.
Dr. Carla Messenger Shuman is the owner and Director of Mindful Solutions, LLC in Arlington, VA. She’s a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years of experience. She’s also a Clinical Assistant Professor at The George Washington Medical School. She is dedicated to serving children, teens and families overcome challenges and build resilience so they can live healthy, meaningful lives. Her practice focuses on helping clients struggling with anxiety, depression, ADHD, coping with chronic illnesses, and coping with life transitions. Areas of expertise also include adoption, high functioning autism, and supporting parents of children with special needs. Dr. Shuman and her staff use evidence-based practices to help clients Build coping skills and resilience. She has lived and worked in the DC area for 20 years, and outside interests include art, music, enjoying nature, and traveling. Be sure to stay up to date with Dr. Shuman on her website and Twitter.
